Dear my second born,
I was nervous to meet you. I was more nervous to meet you than I was to meet your big sister. With her, I was naive about what life with a baby would be like. I mostly felt excitement. With you, I was excited too, but I also felt very nervous.
I felt nervous about doing it all again – the breastfeeding, the sleepless nights, the postpartum recovery, the shift in family dynamic, the responsibility of raising and nurturing another human. But more than that, I felt nervous about the love.
I couldn’t begin to imagine being able to love another child as much as I loved your big sister – she was my world. That fear was hard to admit. I was terrified that I wouldn’t feel connected to you in the same way. I was scared that I wouldn’t know how to divide myself between you two. With all of that fear came extreme guilt and shame. I was expecting my second healthy baby and I was incredibly grateful for that. And still, I felt guilty that I wasn’t more excited. I felt so scared of failing you. I felt scared that I wouldn’t be able to fulfil the needs of two kids and that I’d let you down. I really didn’t want to let you down. I wanted to be a Mom you would be proud of.
And then you were born.
Eight pounds of new existence. The moment I saw you, it was as if I’d known you my whole life. It felt like I had been living as an incomplete being until that moment, and it was you I’d been waiting for to complete my world. You were the puzzle piece I didn’t know was missing.
You looked up at me with those foggy newborn eyes, and they felt comfortably familiar. Moments after arriving earthside, you began to nurse with this confidence that relaxed me. It melted everything into place. It assured me that you and I were going to be ok.
The love was there.
The love was there even more than my heart could handle. As I held you in my arms, memorizing your new features, I couldn’t believe I had ever doubted my ability to love you. I loved you with every fibre of my being. You were perfect.
My sweet boy – you and your big sister are the light of my life and my love for you both knows no bounds.
There will be a lot of things I’ll struggle with in motherhood, but loving you will never be one of them.
Featured Image by The Robins Nest